Is it too early for me to have a midlife crisis? You know, that time in a person’s life when he realizes his mortality and that he may not have much time left in this world. I don’t know, but I think I’m having those midlife-crisis thoughts now. Halfway through my cake I suddenly had this feeling of being spent, the way one feels at the end of the day. For the record, it’s not the end of the day, it’s 2:00 in the afternoon.
I’ve contemplated about writing this post as it reeks of negativity. After all, I have been trying so hard to recover from depression through positive thinking, it’d be a shame to waste all that effort, right? But there will always be days I guess when things aren’t too bright and obviously, I am having one of those today. I want to write it down, just to get it off my chest.
I’m not entirely sure I have a specific name for this feeling or this state. If I have to attempt though, I’d say that I’m tired, though not in a physical sense. I’m tired of putting up with the unwelcomed renters in my life; routines, people, conditions, and personal issues that crowd my little space. Most of all, I’m tired of wanting, which is the cruelest thing of them all.
A friend told me that nobody, even those who seem to have it all, finds complete satisfaction. I guess it’s true. Because even if I get to acquire what I’ve always wanted, the want will only be replaced by something new.
The search is endless.
And maybe that’s the source of this distress. The constant wanting. The waiting that never seems to end. I don’t want to worry about my age. I don’t want to wait for the right guy to come my way. I don’t want to anticipate the next payday. I don’t want to dread Mondays or look forward to weekends. I don’t want to keep thinking about the people who hurt me. I am so fucking tired. I just want it all to end and find peace with where I am right now.
I want to own my time, travel the world, and write. Most of all, I want to fall madly in love and be loved in return. If I cannot stop myself from wanting then at least I want to have the means to pursue my every desire.
I want my life to be as simple and pleasurable as eating this cake; guiltless, free, and sweet. If one of these days the lord/universe gives me this one opportunity to chase all these, I’d go in a heartbeat.