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Dear friends, I have come to terms I might grow old alone

I don’t usually pray but recently, I did.

A few days ago, my colleague shared that when she was 30, she told god she was ready to accept she’d grow old alone. She was a no-boyfriend-since-birth, she had been waiting for far too long. Soon after she uttered that prayer, she met her husband. Being an NBSB myself and one who has been at it far longer than her, my first reaction to this story is to copy what she did. I thought maybe if I tell god that I was ready to give up too, he’d suddenly take pity and send me a man.

But who am I kidding?

If god is all knowing he already knows my plan before I even say it; therefore, it wouldn’t work.

This conversation, however, had me wondering about something. What if my destiny is to be alone?

When you are surrounded by family, friends, acquaintances, basically everyone on this planet who are mostly coupled up, it’s kinda hard to be single and not feel like an anomaly. When my high school classmates started getting boyfriends, I wondered why none of the boys liked me. This went on until college when friends and classmates had a sex life to flex while I was there a mere listener to everyone’s latest tryst.

I despaired upon the fact that I couldn’t say, “Ooh, same! Or me too!” and that my thoughts were more in the line of, “Why not me?” or “When is it even going to be my turn?” or worse, “Am I ugly?”

People always ask me why I am single, and they would come up with all these theories like I have this unbelievably high standard, or that I don’t smile a lot, that I am too “mataray,” too picky, too shy. They always determine I am the problem and that it is my fault I cannot find someone. Years and years of hearing this same shit had me convinced that I am, indeed, the problem.

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I have friends whom I don’t see often and when we do, the first question that would come out of their mouths is that if I have a boyfriend already. I know they mean well but it happened every frickin’ time I couldn’t help but feel that my whole being is diminished by my single status. Never mind that I can travel the world, never mind I do well in my career, never mind that I have a house, all these seem to be nothing if I don’t have a boyfriend.

I came to the point when I started feeling rage by everyone’s take on my love life. It is nobody’s business but me, why do people care so much or put their noses to things that shouldn’t concern them, it just makes me mad.

Because they are too concerned, I too become very concerned. There were many times I would wake up in the middle of the night with a fright that I would die alone. I wish I am exaggerating, but I’m not. Being single since time immemorial, being told by everyone that this is not the way it’s supposed to be have taken a toll in my mental health. I felt ugly, undesirable, and unwanted. Billions of people in the world yet it seemed like there is not even one man meant for me. I am telling you, the hurt it does to one’s confidence is real.

And then this conversation with my colleague happened and a thought arose that maybe, I am not meant to be coupled up. What if my cause of desperation is my need to be normal, to have the kind of life (or love life) as everybody else? What if all I have been trying to do all my life was trying to insert myself to the narrative that is not meant for me? I mean obviously, I am not living a life with a regular plot of boy meets girl, breakup, find a new boyfriend, get married, then have kids.

Is this actually my destiny (if such thing even exists) and I just don’t accept it?

If this is the life I’ve been given by god, destiny, or the universe, then why do I feel miserable? Why can’t I just take it for how it is? The bigger question is, why do I feel the need to live as most people do?

Maybe I am one of the unlucky ones (or lucky depends on how you see it) and I was born to live through life alone. If this is the case, then I have just wasted my whole life despairing over something in which I have no control of. It also means, I have prayed, wished upon a star, tossed coin on the wishing well, tried to law of attraction the hell out of something that is never gonna happen, which leads us back to my first point, I have frickin’ wasted a lot of my time and energy over this shit.

Going back to my opening statement, I found myself praying to the lord (or universe) carrying all these thoughts. I did this with open heart I think I even shed a tear or two.

I prayed, “God, if this is the path that you want for me, if you really don’t have anyone for me, then please grant me the grace to accept this. I have a fear of growing old alone, it is one of the reasons I have been feeling so miserable over my state of singlehood. So, if this is your will, then please take away this fear. Then I may be able to live happily, without regrets and without desperation. I lift this all up to you. In Jesus name, amen.” 

Or something to that effect.

Then I slept and had a dream that the newborn baby of my sister died, and I just sort of, let it happen. I didn’t even think of asking for help or taking it to the hospital. Then I left it in the house, told no one, until eventually people smelled the decaying carcass of the baby. And I was so afraid that I would be sent to prison because even if I didn’t kill the baby, I didn’t save it either, so people might think me responsible.

What does this dream have anything to do with what I had been yapping about earlier? Well, nothing, or maybe it’s related, just that I don’t know how to interpret dreams. But if I take a stab at interpreting it, maybe the baby is my hope for love, which I am finally letting go and leaving for dead, and the stench represents the last of my desperation.

I just shared with two of my friends of my decision to finally accept my “destiny” and to choose to be at peace with it. Because if I am going to be completely okay with this, then the people around me should be okay with it too and perhaps, finally get off my case about my dating life, or lack thereof.

I have to be honest, this is a hard pill to swallow, but I must find a way to be kind to myself. The pressure that I put on myself for many years needs to go. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night again fearing I’d grow old alone. I can’t continue living like this. If this is my path, I only want to be completely okay with it and not waste many more years thinking that I am less of a person because I’m alone.

I am a whole person with or without a man.

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Comments (5)

  1. Jen
    Jen

    I can really relate. Im 31 going 32, nbsb, no one really made an effort to pursue me. Honestly, it’s sad specially when you think that no one’s 100% concerned about you here on earth (maybe) other than your family. I also sometimes question my faith because i am wondering why i feel im lacking something when supposedly i shouldn’t feel that way. I still hope we’ll get to experience that special love someday. Cheers girl! 😊

    Reply
  2. Sam
    Sam

    I’ve had the same thoughts about growing old alone; it used to terrify me and damage my self esteem. Lately, I’ve found that acceptance and taking singlehood as an opportunity to invest in myself and become a complete person really helps. Sure, to be in love would be grand and wonderful, but it’s not everything.

    Reply
  3. Mata
    Mata

    I think you interpreted the dream right. Being in love is a beautiful feeling, but at most it is also tragic—and you definitely know what tragic feels. Sharing life with someone special might be very rewarding, but you and I can only imagine. If you haven’t found someone—or he hasn’t found you—in your life with whom you cannot live without right now, then I guess we can consider it a blessing. It will save you the pain. Inevitable pain. Anxiety. Worry. And whatnot. And as the brave and independent say, we are complete all by ourselves and we don’t need others to complete us. Focus on your career and growing wealth. You can be someone like Miranda Priestly. Or as I had seen in a vision years ago, someone like J.K. Rowling, sans the husband. Write the book. And the book will be the child you’ll ever have.

    Reply
  4. Tin
    Tin

    Moira Dela Torre once shared a quote. It says, “Even if nothing is happening in the natural, trust that God is doing something in the supernatural.” It struck me. I think this is the best quote I’ve heard from any Christian, the Pope included. Hahaha. She also added that while we’re trusting we should not be idle. We should continue working so when the time comes when God finally answered our prayer we’re ready. Whether or not there’s a man (or woman, let’s be inclusive because why not? Haha) in the horizon, we should work on ourselves, work on the attitude, work to be financially independent, work on cultivating relationships. And what I think is really important is work on being whole. So when that someone comes you’re already your best version. If that someone doesn’t come it won’t even matter because you’re already complete.

    Reply
  5. German magnet
    German magnet

    Exactly!
    It doesn’t make us Inferior to every fricken couple we know. We may be happier than them in some aspects. We live our lives according to our will (without stepping on anyone’s ego) and because we’re happy about it.
    So people, eff off.
    I.feel.you.

    Reply

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